Beware: Viking is still trying to figure out the Caribbean

We quickly noticed an impressive pattern on board our cruise ship. Well over half the people we spoke to were repeat Viking customers. Some had been travelling with the company for decades, and were well into double-digits on past cruises. Marketers would place everyone I spoke to solidly into the "advocate" column. That's incredibly impressive, and rare.

Most of that experience had been gained on Viking's established river cruises. This is Viking's first year in the Caribbean on their ocean-going vessels and, sadly, they have a long way to go to meet the expectations established by their original fleet.

Tours, in general, under-delivered. Aside from our magnificently-named guide "Mirage" on Antigua, all of the guides on the included tours had a set patter and couldn't go much beyond it to answer questions about history, economics, government, etc. Indeed, in most cases their English wasn't good enough to understand what was being asked. In our worst case, our guide in Guadeloupe seemed more like a local plucked off the street than a travel professional, going on endlessly about the rivalries between the locals of La Moule and Pointe-a-Pitre, or telling us where her family's favourite picnic spots on the island were, rather than giving us the expected tour. For example, an overview of what the island's typical products were, what to look for when buying local spices and whether or not bargaining was appropriate would have been just the thing before getting dropped off at a local market. Harsh? Perhaps. But Viking differentiates themselves on "enrichment", helping you to delve deep into a destination's history and culture. Their delivery in our Caribbean destinations was well below expectation.

It may be that Viking's model is not an easy fit with the Caribbean. It's easy to load people onto a bus in Prague, Bordeaux or Copenhagen and blow their minds with history, architecture and culture for four hours. While the Caribbean has similar highlights, they're fewer and further between. Thus we inevitably spent hours driving around looking at spectacular views, vegetation and ramshackle villages. Nice, but if I had it to do over I would have skipped most of the included tours and done my own thing. When you consider that those included tours are part of why you're paying a premium price ... not good.

Even when we got to something meaty, the destination had been woefully oversold. Stony Hill

was not the "resplendent estate" promised in the tour literature (at least not for any Brit with a National Trust membership); it was the lovely home of a prosperous professional with one hell of a view and a garden that, while nice, was mare national gardens scheme open day than what you'd expect from that "resplendent estate" billing. The much-lauded cemetery in La Moule was, indeed, impressive; but having driven by two almost identical ones en route, everyone on the bus wondered why we needed to drive an additional hour each way to see wasn't this one?

When it came to the not-included, additional fee excursions, I had other disappointments. Having paid the premium for a ship that markets itself in a different league, I expected similarly differentiated shore options. In every case we bought into, they were standard mass-market offerings, with passengers from Carnival or Princess embarking for the same things at the same time. (Though in different groups.)

The biggest debacle was the St. John's Swim and Snorkel. Our last day of the cruise. Our last opportunity to snorkel. We made a choice based on the title, and the promise of snorkelling. We passed up an alternative trip to snorkel with turtles, based on the reputation of St. John's reefs. Once on the boat, the captain made it clear that it was not a snorkelling excursion. (Though it was printed on our tickets.) And even though she had the equipment on board, health and safety wouldn't allow her to let us use it. (I, fortunately, had my own mask with me.) The same guidelines for some reason meant that, because it wasn't a snorkel tour, we had to take rubber rafts to the beach rather than just swimming the 100 yards from the boat. Perplexing, as clambering off and on a rib (rubber dingy) from a catamaran when both are bobbing about is a hell of a lot more dangerous than descending the cat's stairs and swimming off.  Everyone on the tour was irritated, and we made a point of registering our complaint in person as soon as we got back. Given Viking's marketing skill, I expected an apology at the minimum, and a refund as best practice. There was no reply. This, on our last day, left an unfortunately sour taste in my mouth.

I was surprised at how unhelpful the staff on the Explorers' Desk (the concierge service) was. Every time I asked for any information on shore excursions or a destination, they turned to the same web pages I already had access to. They didn't seem to have any personal experience of the islands or knowledge beyond what was in the brochure, thus were unable to make useful recommendations. We did have a great conversation with the customer services manager earlier in the cruise, who explained that they were still learning the Caribbean and encouraged our feedback. When I asked one of the desk guys for an email address, rather than their printed forms, so I could give them mine in detail, he promised to get back to me. Then never did. If you don't take the offer of my private constructive criticism, then I'm afraid you default to this public space...

Our final issues came around the unique circumstance of cruising at Christmas. Lessons learned for next time, should we ever do this again.

As I wrote earlier when I discussed what exceeded expectations, we loved the heavy Scandinavian influence on food and drink. My half-Danish husband pointed out that this was the reason that all the traditional holiday dishes were served on Christmas Eve. Fair enough, but they probably should have warned the primarily American and English customers of the fact. I overheard many disappointed diners on Christmas night, who'd not ordered the turkey and Christmas pudding the night before, or even worse had gone to the buffet, saving themselves up for the traditional meal on the 25th. A meal that wasn't on offer.

Worse for us was the celebration of Christmas itself. We'd decided not to go to a Christmas Eve mass in St. Kitts because a midnight service with readings and carols was on offer on the ship. We were expecting something gentle and serious, presumably with the captain doing the readings. (Commanding officers can double as religious authorities at sea, right?) Instead, we got the same entertainment team who'd just finished the all-singing, all-dancing holiday show leading a happy-clappy, evangelical style production that wasn't that different from the earlier razzle-dazzle. We lasted five minutes. Granted, we're perhaps in the minority as traditionalists who wanted something more solemn. My criticism of Viking here is only that I wish they would have been clearer about what was actually on offer so we could have made it to that mass on shore. (I was seriously tempted to join the Jewish passengers' DIY Hanukkah service, which I suspect would have been much closer in spirit to what I was after that the televangelist party in the main theatre.)

Viking charges more than the mass market cruise lines, and sets the bar much higher in their marketing. Surprisingly, they delivered the inverse of my expectations. Experiences on board were superlative; on shore deeply average. This won't stop me from booking with them again; their Viking Homelands cruise is solidly on our bucket list. But I'd steer well clear of any new destination and, if returning to the Caribbean, would think hard about arranging my own itinerary on land.