Cruise food is a triumph for mass catering, but the arch enemy of all Weight Watchers

It was the most horrifying thing I'd heard in a while.

According to the head chef of The Golden Princess, Jeremy Snowden, the average cruise passenger puts on between a pound and two of weight PER DAY. Two week cruise, 14 to 28 pounds gained. I guess I should consider myself lucky that the damage upon returning to Weight Watchers was seven pounds. One thing is for sure. A cruise is the worst of all possible holidays for anyone with a weight problem. It's like confining an alcoholic in a dazzling, all-expenses-covered bar for a fortnight. Those with great willpower can resist. Unfortunately, when it comes to lavish buffets and multiple-option menus, I am in the Oscar Wilde school of temptation. (I can resist anything except it.)

Is this exceptional, award-winning restaurant quality cuisine? Honestly, no. Putting on my restaurant critic's hat, I'll say that the flavours are often underwhelming and indistinct, the meat sometimes tough, the fish possessing that tell-tale chewiness that says it was frozen (inevitable when you're loading all your supplies for a fortnight before you leave LA). Presentation is often exceptional, but the tastes are what you'd get in an average neighbourhood bistro. Back home ... at least if your home is the London restaurant scene ... you wouldn't rave about it. But against expectations of banquet food? It's remarkable. And hotel banquet food is essentially what this is. Between crew and tourists, more that 3,000 people eat here every day. Many of the guests are American, most are older ... you need to cook safe, not adventurous. The logistics boggle the mind.

Consider some facts. 13,000 meals served every day. 200,000 tonnes of supplies loaded at the start of the cruise. Almost half the crew works in food service across nine galleys, five formal restaurants, a buffet and numerous snack bars, and they can serve up as many at 800 meals in half an hour. The kitchens consume a half tonne of flour, up to 80 gallons of tomato sauce and more than 4,200 eggs each day. I'm waiting for "Masterchef: The Cruise", frankly, because cooking doesn't get tougher than this.

As a general rule, the less things rely on fresh ingredients, the better they tasted. The pastries, breads and cakes are exceptional; probably the highest quality of everything coming out of the kitchens. At the other extreme the sushi ... something that should rely on fresh, raw, top quality fish ... was generally a terrible approximation made with too much rice and a range of substitute ingredients that could be cooked or defrosted. In general, the more ethnic the cuisine, the less authentic it was as the chefs seemed very hesitant to use much spice. (For some reason, the big exception here was the Lebanese buffet.) The closer you came to traditional Italian or French options, the better the standard.

Curious to see behind the scenes, I signed us up for one of the chef's table nights. This is a $70 surcharge on top of what you've already paid. The food isn't significantly better, but the behind the scenes access is fascinating and the attention from the head chef, maitre d' and serving team impressive. Sharing a table with nine others who are equally serious about food and wine was intellectually stimulating. Champagne and wines come with the meal and they're very generous with the pace at which they're poured. Every couple walks away with a handsomely produced cookbook signed by the head chef. For all that, it was worth the money.

Here's what we ate.

Appetizers: Consumed in the kitchens, with champagne, as the waiters buzzed around us with trays and the chef told us how things worked. Blue crab margarita with mango slaw. Foie gras on brioche with stone fruit jam. Roasted red potatoes with sour cream and caviar (one of my own dinner party staples). Tempura coconut shrimp.

The starter: Risotto with Porcini mushrooms. (Ironically, after my comments about spicing above, I thought they'd overdone the potency of the stock to such a degree they overpowered the mushrooms.) A white wine from Northern Italy. (Sorry for the generalisation, readers, I lost my wine notes.)

The transition: Lemon sorbet cocktail. A blockbuster of a dish I must try if I can ever figure out how to spin sugar. The sorbet comes out in a martini glass, topped by a globe of spun sugar. You crunch through that to get to the sorbet. Then, mid-glass, a waiter comes around with a bottle of Grey Goose vodka, removes the sugar globe and tops up your glass with the alcohol. A quick stir and you have a lemon martini. Magic.

The main: Roasted veal shank and veal rack. Forest mushrooms. Assorted fresh vegetables. Roasted chateaux potatoes. Comfort food, well cooked, impressively presented on a massive platter for the whole table. With a Californian red.

The cheese: Baked camembert with pine nuts & port wine reduction. Again, a bit too close to an easy dinner party dish to impress, but it was tasty.

The dessert: Iced amaretto parfait, Florentine tuilles, whiskey soaked raspberries. The most impressive part of which was not the flavours, wonderful as they were, but the fact that the whole concoction was served on a massive bowl that looked like a piece of modern, hand-blown art glass, and turned out to be molded sugar. Yes, an edible bowl. (See top photo.) With a lovely sweet red dessert wine. Followed by coffee and chocolates that had to be taken back to the room, as there was certainly no space left in the stomach.

And that, dear reader, plus the all-day pizza stand, the pastry array, the four course restaurant meals, the buffet plates the size of platters, the lox and cream cheese on offer every morning, etc., etc., is why that 1-2 pound a day figure is not that surprising.

It is time, without question, to get back on the Weight Watchers wagon. 0-point vegetable soup, anyone?